I will always remember that night.

The slow drip of the secondary shower head. It had been leaking from the hard water for years. The warm glow of the ceiling light made the water shine in a muted way. I was used to seeing it reflecting the early morning sun through the two frosted windows on the bathroom wall. I was set in a specific schedule normally, but this time shook loose.

It was the last shower I would have as I was. I would be changed forever the next day. It was the best answer I had in a losing situation. No good outcomes left so I had to make my own. I hated it to tell you the truth, but it was still my decision. Picked after examining the odds and making a final wish. One that would be repeated up until the moment I went under the point of no return.

I thought it was funny every time a medical professional asked me if I was sure. There was nothing guaranteed in a decision that cannot be undone. I knew that already. It was a permanent decision that I could only pray was absolutely necessary. There would never be a sign saying otherwise. Just vague hints of one side or the other.

So there I was. Regarding my own body like one does a casket at a funeral. Committing the way the water fell on my skin and the heat soaked in. There would never be another chance to do so again the same way. There is something both sad and beautiful in the final of any action. So before it ended, I captured the moment and held it somewhere separate. Precious like a locket that I hope will lose meaning instead of gaining it. Before I was altered and became a different me.