Why am I like this?

I do things I know I never need to.

Abandon the activities I do.

Even the things I want to do are not spared.

Like the most round about kind of self harm.

A slow boiling where the temperature always turns up a little more.

***

I pray constantly that I will break into a better form.

That productivity suddenly becomes as easy as breathing.

So I continue to drown myself in the stress of it all.

Expecting to learn how to breathe the rain.

I have learned to fly before after all.

Even if the only direction it gave me was down.

***

Do I fear a certain outcome?

So secretive that I even fooled myself.

Worried that I might be doomed to fail.

Efforts be damned.

So I would rather continue to hurt myself.

Even while fully knowing that I will never know until I try.