I know that the day is inevitable.

The day that it will never leave me again.

A shadow until the final curtain close.

I am not ready for the rose throw.

Instead I cut my fingers on the thorns now.

Paying anguish for a fate not passing just yet.

***

It hurts and I cannot bare it.

It is not because the pain is so great, but because it persists.

That it might not have a label for it or cure.

That no pill could put me back together again.

For the journey is never easy and I do not expect it to be any different this time.

Please do not tell me that my treatment is to be fine with surrendering more of myself.

***

The worst part is I will not know when it comes.

The last day of bright sunshine.

Fair weather devolving into permanent clouds.

It could be sudden or slow.

I may not even care to miss it at the end.

But as I am, I know the beauty I would be missing so I choose to grieve that loss now even as I heal.