I like attending fun parties but I love hosting them more.

Considering what everyone enjoys from food to activities.

Decorating for the occasion until the house looks like a store advertisement featuring the event theme.

I enjoy so much seeing people happy.

Making memories with those I know.

There would only be one occasion that would be an exception.

***

There would be the biggest celebration ever if he left permanently.

Does not matter if out of my life or his own.

Sounds cold when I say it like that doesn’t it?

Certainly not the secret wishes one might expect out of a Christian.

Wishes of physical harm are not what I am truly after however.

Just whatever got him away from me.

***

My heart desires release from pain.

And secretly from his own as well.

Neither of us are happy with the current circumstances though never for the same reason.

Tiredness becomes black resentment without rest in time.

And oh how long I have been tired.

I do not believe I could even shed a tear right now if he just walked out that door, despite me not being heartless.

***

My heart would be elated by the sudden rest!

I would not be the only one either.

Family and friends would celebrate and cry, though not out of sadness.

There would be balloons, cake, music and happiness.

We would smile together even if life might be tighter in other ways.

For we would know that we gained more than we lost and we all had each other.

***

Who knows, maybe with rest I might feel different.

Able to spend periods of time enjoying his company.

Spaces where he can keep a better mask intact until it was time to part again.

A relationship closer to what it was meant to be even if not ideal.

Where my sanity does not feel under attack.

Maybe he would consider me better too with distance.

***

But he remains.

Decorations must remain in storage and the cake un bought.

For I cannot destroy what little goodwill he might have until he is on the other side of the door.

And I must hold on as hard as it might feel.

A waiting period of unknown time.

I wish I knew the number of days I had before this new holiday so I might save up for it.