Of course I have experience with an unpredictable father.

Or perhaps the worst kind of predictable.

But I can conceive an idea of a worse nightmare.

One that haunts in an entirely different way.

A situation that I’m not sure I could handle.

But maybe a different form of one I already do.

***

I imagine of having a mother that did not care instead of a dad.

Neglecting my needs as long as she could get away with it.

Comfort placed above my own.

Failed by one supposed to love me the most.

Of course I already have all that with one parent.

Why would the other feel worse?

***

It might be because it is an unknown path.

A challenge I have not had to face and find solutions for.

Someone else’s struggle but never my own.

The hidden nature twisting it into a bigger nightmare than what I know.

The idea of the only pillar I have falling to debris.

Making my current situation all the more painfully relevant.

***

Or it could be because of the roles of mother and father.

Men known in media to betray faster than women.

The betrayal of a mom a more polar opposite to her role.

An expected carer turned into insidious nightmare.

Where others are less likely to believe the situation.

Escape feeling even more impossible.

***

That nightmare makes me both thankful and depressed.

Making me happy that I do have a reliable support system.

A prayer of thanks I send straight to God.

But it also shows me the gap where another pillar should stand.

How sobering my actual situation is.

How mine could be someone else’s nightmare.