Some nights the waters are still.

Cool breeze on my skin as the boat gently rocks side to side like a cradle.

Other times I drown underneath a sky more water than air.

Needing to be yanked out by the sun before I lose which way is up.

There is a third kind as well.

A middle state where the waters are dark and tossing violently.

***

I navigate sleep just like everyone else.

Can always smell the storm in the air before it comes.

The panic in the calm with a name called Dread.

Some storms are worse and others I can ride out.

If I can see those dark waters before the scent comes upon,

I know that I will be ok in the end.

***

A natural awakening instead of desperate cries into the darkness after drowning.

A self cruelty I cannot avoid but will not break me.

I will come out wet and battered but will quickly dry and heal.

The ones headed by Dread are different however.

The memories of the drowning will haunt me for years to come.

Vivid and sharp as the burning in my lungs.

***

I fortify my ship the best I can.

Steering through rough areas under the guidance of the sun.

That way I might travel through before the storm gets bad.

When I still have control over the ship.

Before the wheel is ripped from my hands.

Even if the stars could bring me guidance the ship could not follow them.

***

I always pray that the waves settle with the sun.

I fear the day where the sun does not appear to rescue me.

When the waters remain dark.

And the drowning becomes a permanent state.

But right now I still can use the ship wheel.

You will find me avoiding those darker waters.