I remember sitting in a class in elementary school. Teacher lecturing and me supposed to be paying attention. Instead I sat fiddling with a plastic pencil and staring at the clock deep in a mental stimulation of what it would be like to be able to fast forward time. This was a regular occurrence. The plastic clips on my mechanical pencils never lasted long and my eraser squares always ended up with holes.

Once I got yelled at through the food slot at a testing center because I could not stop the impulse to tap my pen on the counter. The embarrassment was intense. I would look around during activities at school and marvel at the fact that I was the only one fidgeting. Picking at loose bits of skin, playing with pencils and doodling on the worksheet edges. I learned very quickly how to hold dual focus. I would be always entertaining myself with radical ideas like “If I could magically write on the ceiling, what would I write and how would people react?”, while also listening to the teacher go on about geometry. Every few seconds touching base so I was on track and would not look dumb if called on by the teacher. Without this technique I am not sure that I would have been half as successful in school.

I noticed something different when I hit my college years. I had zero actual motivation and felt no positive feedback from finishing a task. In cases where I discovered something that I really liked, I would endlessly enjoy it. The moment that I put it down for something else however, it was gone and I did not feel like continuing even if I wanted to. A phase of inspiration and fixation and nothing more. Of course I could still be productive. Short sprints are easier than long. Longer tasks I struggled through.

It was just recently that I analyzed my family that I had a realization. A majority of them have traits that are usually associated with ADHD. A few even mirrored my own. I also noticed a few other quirks I had. Needing to multitask and often talking over other people when I do not mean to. I saw all of these things and came to one conclusion: I might have ADHD.

It is an over diagnosed condition however. I also have depression and some of the symptoms could also be from that. My psychiatrist heard my concerns and gave me Wellbutrin to try as she did not have time to test me. I cannot give a conclusion yet as to how helpful it is but I do know that my blog posts have gotten longer (haha…).

I will update when I know more but it is difficult to figure out. I might be officially tested next month. Oh boy do I love learning more about myself.