I have written before how disability causes extra challenges for the family. This time I will touch on something more specific since the culprit in question does not read any of these. I have noticed the unfortunate co existence that seems to exist between disabled family members and narcissistic family.

For me, my father is the narcissist. I also know of one other family that used to have a disabled daughter that was in the same situation. It is a very scary type of co habilitation but not immediately. The relationship follows a noticeable life cycle. The first of which is adoration.

At first the disabled person is given a lot of positive attention. Sometimes even allowed to do stuff that the primary caregiver does not agree with such as carried down a steep slope to look at a stream up close. They then leave all the actual care to the primary caregiver so they become the fun one and receive a ton of attention without having to work for it. They also get the chance to be seen as a good parent or family member in public because the disabled family member wants to hang out with them.

Then the cracks start to show. Small things at first. Not coming through when needed and lack of real interest. Promises broken and an elevation of self comfort until it is blatant or even harmful to the disabled person. The disabled person starts questioning the relationship. Analyzing situations and possibly doubting self worth. None of the actions will be obvious to the public and they continue to receive accolades for helping the disabled person. Bragging all the while and highlighting everything they have ever done. The disabled person may not start pushing back even at this stage. They were treated nice at one point and are still family. Having to live under the same roof for an undefined time. Doing anything to nuke a relationship with a person in power over them is risky. They know they have to have a use to the narcissist still or else.

The relationship eventually hits a different stage eventually however. Trust on the end of the disabled person hits zero. They stop allowing the treatment and push back. Calling the narcissist out on lies and lack of actual care. In my experience, the narcissist responds by going cold. No longer faking the care or giving compliments. The majority of their use is over. No longer a compliant trophy. However, in public they continue to act the same as before. They are still a brilliant family member that goes above and beyond. They just split off further from reality. More lies and brags that originated far in the past. The position of the disabled family member becomes a hollow vessel that they can fill however they want for attention.

Even after all this, the narcissist acts like they have done nothing wrong. That the family bond still exists. Random shows of affection but just enough to delude themselves into thinking they try. It is very confusing for the disabled family member. Two extremes and a taste of what could be but never is. Hope repeatedly built up to just be crushed. And the pieces never come out whole on the other end.