I never expected grief to have such a profound effect on my eating habits. It’s so different from what you see in movies. Eating a bunch of ice cream was neither the problem or solution. In fact the problem was entirely the opposite. Mostly at least.

There have been periods of time when food has been a nonexistent want. Not hungry. Not eating barely anything by mouth at all. And even my stomach cramping from being empty seems completely ignorable. When I do eat, no real pleasure is gained. Even with food I would usually. Completely muted. On the other hand I will have a day out of nowhere where the hunger returns tenfold. Everything I can physically eat, and is available to me, I devour. Insatiable is a good term for it. Even when I feel physically full, I feel like I want to keep eating. It feels like I will feel better emotionally when full but just haven’t reached that point yet regardless of hunger. Like the wires in my brain for physical hunger and emotional pain have been crossed. If I am not careful I can eat myself sick in this state. A kind of emotional food binging.

I have been managing despite the food issues. I stop myself from eating too much and have been managing my nutrition with a complete nutrition formula via feeding tube when I don’t feel like eating. My family and friends have also been sending me easy to eat tasty food when I don’t feel like eating.  It has been getting slowly less of an issue. I don’t expect it to be permanent. In the meantime I’m being gentle with myself and non judging of my habits while still being in the range of healthy. This will resolve itself in time. All I have to do is wait.