School was hard for me. I know a lot of people say that, but for me it was for slightly different reasons. All things considered I did very well grades wise. I was mainstreamed and I graduated high school with a 3.97 GPA and was always on honor roll middle school and up. I rarely had to study either. I hated the experience though.

The school simply did not know how to handle me as a disabled person. This includes both faculty, teachers and students. In order to receive medicine and feeding tube formula I was made to miss sections of class through part of elementary school and it was switched to during lunch after. It was only a few years but I felt so awkward having to leave in the middle of class and missing lesson segments. It made me feel and seem different from other students. In elementary school I did my medical needs in an office ADA compliant faculty bathroom for privacy. Middle school I was downgraded to an unused classroom they used for storage. Both rooms were dusty and had cockroach issues. In high school I was once again downgraded and was required to use the walk in closet of the special day class that they used for changing the special day class students and stored their equipment. I caught scabies from a special day class student in that one. Though I was not part of the special day class and mainstreamed, I had to come in and out of the special day class daily. I was also grouped with the special day class during school assemblies and events. They never gave me a good explanation for why. They just said it would be easier and safer to group the wheelchairs together. I was separated from my grade level for this. In my opinion this made me seem unapproachable and different. In that part of my life all I wanted was to seem normal and likable like any other young girl. The school seemed to be working against that goal in every way. I was shy and felt further isolated.

I attempted to make friends but I usually got one of two reactions if I introduced myself. I was either given a fake sweet reply or ignored. Granted I did not try very often but it was enough to make me stop trying to approach people. I made no friends in high school but I at least got along with classmates. I was that kid who would go out of the way to help people that were even the slightest bit friendly with me. Often I was taken advantage of and ended up shouldering entire group projects, but part of me was glad. I felt like I had proved myself intelligent and the opposite of the disabled stereotype. I answered as many questions as I could correctly and increased my class load in difficulty. I was overcompensating for my societal image. It also did not help that getting good grades was the only thing that seemed to bring praise from my father at the time. This was not the only reason I pushed myself though.

I was in a perceived race of distinction against another disabled student at my school. I will not mention the name, gender or disability type for anonymity. The only thing I will say is their disability put them in a wheelchair as well. Their disability also had a huge neurological component. To what degree I cannot say, but they could not comprehend most classwork or homework. To properly place them in the school they should have been placed in the special day class. Their father however wanted as normal a social experience for them as possible too. I heard through the faculty that the mother of said disabled student worked for the district and pulled a few strings for them to be mainstreamed against recommendation. I would watch the students’ attendant do their homework and classwork for them with little to no input from the student. The grades the student got were also artificially increased. What would have been a failing grade magically became As or Bs. They made honor roll with close to zero work. I say work instead of effort since I am positive they were working to their level. Other students saw and I know compared the two of us since I was frequently called by their name even though we had nothing in common except the wheelchair. I hated it so much at the time. My own work felt devalued. Instead of reevaluating my perspective, I tried even harder. I stretched myself thin and even begun to wrongfully internally hate the other disabled student. They represented everything I was seemingly trying to get away from in stereotype. They seemed unintelligent and made a fool of themselves socially. Laughing at seemingly the smallest thing and interrupting class. Their happy personality became annoying to me. How dared someone else in my position be having a good time.

It took a panic attack junior year before I stopped trying to push myself beyond my limits. I dropped multiple classes, focused on what I needed, took a break period for just classwork, and looked for what I needed to grow as an individual. I took drama and began to volunteer at church to regain social confidence. I also realized that my hate of the other disabled student was more a me problem rather than a reflection of them. They were innocent and did not have control over their situation to begin with. The school faculty and students that were lumping us together treatment wise were just assholes that did not bother to treat us individually with separate needs.

On the opposite end of the spectrum I also had the opposite problem. Especially when I was younger I would occasionally be expected to be able to operate like an able bodied student. I had a teacher bully me and refuse accommodations, a teacher put me in a group project with an unhinged ableist, and a year where I was required to change into a gym shirt and attend gym class. The first two are longer tales that require a separate post but the last is exactly what it sounds like. Even though I could not exercise or participate in any games, in the 6th grade I was forced to change into a school gym shirt in the girls locker room and stay for the class. Often I ended up just watching or staying in the gym alone while the class did activities outside. It was rediculous and humiliating. I hated people seeing my feeding tube and surgery scars in the locker room the most. I eventually metaphorically put a foot down and refused to change clothes no matter the push back. They stopped pushing me to when I did eventually. A half a year in I was fully excused from gym class after I accidentally hurt myself on a basketball and flipped my chair. See “Attack Of The Swine Flu” for more information. Just like that I was allowed to spend the class period in the library instead.

The last thing I will touch on is needing an attendant in school. Because of my disability I cannot carry my own books or supplies and have very limited writing stamina. I also need help medically and because of drug rules, a school faculty member was the only one that could administer if the student could not take it themselves. Even an Advil needed to be supervised. To get around all this, mainstreamed disabled students are issued a dedicated aide. From kindergarten all the way through high school I relied on someone else to make it through the school day with zero problems. This was incredibly helpful but also stressful. The person that helped me changed multiple times as I grew up and substitutes filled in between the long term aides and for them during sick days. Every time it was someone new that was unused to my needs or schedule. Sometimes I even needed a teacher to step in because they did not understand my speech well enough to take writing dictation. In these cases I usually got an extension or modified assignment. The stress did not end here though. The system for school aide scheduling is rough at best. If the normal aide needs emergency time off or a sudden sick day, no aide might show up at all. There are no checks or failsafes for a sudden call out. I have had days where no aide substitute showed up for multiple classes, times where the teacher or classmate had to help me, and even days where I had to call my mom to drop everything to fill in. These instances were more common than were appropriate and made my schooling feel shaky and unreliable. A student has enough to worry about socially and grade wise. The last thing that a student should have to worry about is just making it through the day without distress. Beyond this issue however I really looked up to my aide. They were like my school mom but in a cool way. I still think about my longest working one and wish we stayed in contact after I graduated but it is what it is.

If I can make it through public school with all that, I know almost anyone can. It was incredibly stressful and harder than it needed to be. The lack of individual specific support was the biggest source of frustration in my case. College proved to so much easier in comparison because it had an ADA compliant support network. I suddenly had both support and rights. Rights that were not available to me in grade schooling or high school. It was suddenly normal to ask for help and accommodations. I was no longer other or out of place while learning. I was not forced to fit a mold in either direction that I did not fit as well. I received just as much support as I needed and whenever I needed it. My regular nurse took the role of my school aide and I was freed from worries for stability. Everything worked out in the end.