When a person goes through a lot of medical challenges starting from a young age, the way pain is interpreted is changed. I’ve always had a high pain tolerance. My parents noticed that from the time I broke my first bone. Once again I said it was broken and the doctor did not believe me since I was not crying or screaming even though I insisted about it hurting quite a bit. This time it was xray’d out of caution. Much to the surprise of the doctor, it revealed a significant break. That day that particular doctor learned an important lesson: the absence of tears did not mean an absence of pain.

Ironically enough, my brain treats pain on a scale of extremes much like the doctor did. I seem to be perpetually in a “I’m good” state or “I can’t handle this” state. There is no middle ground. Anything less than critical pain is dealt with without much complaint. Even critical pain is doubted in hindsight.

Was it really that bad?

Was I just being a big baby?

No. Pain of even moderate levels shouldn’t have to be tolerated. Even when acknowledging that as fact, I still struggle differentiating between pain levels. Part of the issue is my skewed perspective but also because I feel almost everything my body does. My disability has no effect on sensation and I even have a heightened amount of feedback. My working theory is that sensation took over the part of my brain that handles motor skills. I feel everything from how my diaphragm moves to when my intestines are handling food. I’m always worried about making a big thing out of the smallest sensation. I have a family member that likes getting attention from being in pain even if none exists and I desperately don’t want to be like that. I have semi brainwashed myself into not reporting pain because of this. My body is in tune with my brain but my brain isn’t in tune with my body.

I know it’s better to report pain before it becomes worse though. I’m slowly teaching myself to advocate for myself against my own anxiety of being wrong or the fear of being considered a faker. I can’t fix anything if the biggest source of being fake claimed is in my own head.